This disease feeds off stress and I've been under an incredibly amount of it for the past five weeks, climaxing into this past weekend and tapering off to today. It's still there, though, this cloud that is just hovering.
As a result, my blood pressure and blood sugar has been haywire, my pulse is lowered and then my heart races at times, I go for hours just trembling, shooting pains dash through my head and stress-induced fevers and cold sweats haunt me randomly. I can't sleep, which pushes me to the point of desperation. That's why I'm here tonight, waiting for my tylenol pm to set in.
In the next couple of days, I'm going to have to find a place of solitude and peace. For the sake of my health, I don't have much choice.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Well, that was interesting
Okay, let's never do that again, okay?
Okay.
The past three days (or was it four, I cannot even remember) I want to block from my memory and never relive again. I've never in this Lyme Disease journey....ugh. That was horriffic.
Due to the extreme Herxheimer reaction, I stopped that antibiotic (doxy) day before yesterday and felt almost immediate relief. Yesterday I was nearly back to my normal energy and pain levels. Today I'm a little tired but really, I'm cutting myself some slack considering the lack of sleep and extreme pain I was dealing with just two days ago.
This disease is a mystery and living with it every day is like trying to solve a riddle. What's overwhelming is when I feel like there's no solution (like I did three days ago) and like there's nothing I can do for myself. That's when the desperation sets in.
Today is a new day and it's a day of celebration.
Okay.
The past three days (or was it four, I cannot even remember) I want to block from my memory and never relive again. I've never in this Lyme Disease journey....ugh. That was horriffic.
Due to the extreme Herxheimer reaction, I stopped that antibiotic (doxy) day before yesterday and felt almost immediate relief. Yesterday I was nearly back to my normal energy and pain levels. Today I'm a little tired but really, I'm cutting myself some slack considering the lack of sleep and extreme pain I was dealing with just two days ago.
This disease is a mystery and living with it every day is like trying to solve a riddle. What's overwhelming is when I feel like there's no solution (like I did three days ago) and like there's nothing I can do for myself. That's when the desperation sets in.
Today is a new day and it's a day of celebration.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
battling and losing sometimes
I don't complain much but some days it feels like I'm desperately losing this battle.
My fatigue has reached exponential levels. And silly me, I don't slow down until my body absolutely shuts me down. Through this journey I've learned to listen to my body but sometimes I want to live like I'm not hosting this bacteria.
The good news is that this cycle will end, my strength will slowly return and so will my energy levels. I've just got to ride this wave out. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, right?
In the meantime, my page is blank, my eyes are burning, my knees are probably gonna need the heating pad soon and I'm going to need to take about a 15-minute nap before moving on with my day.
My fatigue has reached exponential levels. And silly me, I don't slow down until my body absolutely shuts me down. Through this journey I've learned to listen to my body but sometimes I want to live like I'm not hosting this bacteria.
The good news is that this cycle will end, my strength will slowly return and so will my energy levels. I've just got to ride this wave out. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, right?
In the meantime, my page is blank, my eyes are burning, my knees are probably gonna need the heating pad soon and I'm going to need to take about a 15-minute nap before moving on with my day.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sick
Getting sick on top of being sick is something I try to steer clear of. It's like jumping ten steps backward in a matter of minutes.
So when, one by one, family members started having sore throats and I was emotionally stressed I took positive action by reinforcing my weak immune system via supplements and herbs.
Not soon enough, apparently, because here I sit in the recliner sniffling, coughing and with the heating pad laying over my tender knees.
Yes, I'm back to those days of the Comfort of the Heating Pad.
But my philosophy is to live life to its fullest and not let this disease take from me more than what it's entitled.
So that's why I attended the Little League baseball draft Friday night, fever and all. And after that went to an invitation-only dinner at a new restaurant in town. And the next day went gliding (feverless!)
Now, admittedly, I've slept 3-4 hours every afternoon and followed that up with a bedtime of about 10 and sleeping till 9:30 the next morning. And even after all that, I sit in the recliner and try not to fall asleep.
But I'm hopeful for today. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, drank a cup of coffee, and....am enjoying the heating pad on my back in the recliner. But I'm up, I'm up, going to unload the dishwasher and help clean up our living room, which currently looks like a frat house.
So when, one by one, family members started having sore throats and I was emotionally stressed I took positive action by reinforcing my weak immune system via supplements and herbs.
Not soon enough, apparently, because here I sit in the recliner sniffling, coughing and with the heating pad laying over my tender knees.
Yes, I'm back to those days of the Comfort of the Heating Pad.
But my philosophy is to live life to its fullest and not let this disease take from me more than what it's entitled.
So that's why I attended the Little League baseball draft Friday night, fever and all. And after that went to an invitation-only dinner at a new restaurant in town. And the next day went gliding (feverless!)
Now, admittedly, I've slept 3-4 hours every afternoon and followed that up with a bedtime of about 10 and sleeping till 9:30 the next morning. And even after all that, I sit in the recliner and try not to fall asleep.
But I'm hopeful for today. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, drank a cup of coffee, and....am enjoying the heating pad on my back in the recliner. But I'm up, I'm up, going to unload the dishwasher and help clean up our living room, which currently looks like a frat house.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Twiddling
Two Lyme posts in one month means that I'm trying to be more diligent about keeping up with this thing. I mean, if this can keep me from sleeping and make me feel like I'm within miliseconds of vomiting all day, the least I can do is write about it.
It's 1 in the morning and while I was quietly loading the dishwasher, I reflected on today, which was a quiet one for me and until I started replaying the events in my head, felt unproductive.
But it really wasn't.
I managed to pick up the house, do a load of laundry, do the dishes a couple times, feed the horses, make dinner and dessert, clean my bedroom, deal with my personal finances, write a story for Thursday (complete with graph), and watch the Biggest Loser finale.
All of those things seemed insurmountable at the time. I almost waited to ask my brother to help me pick up the house because my energy was at zero and this incredible ridiculous nausea had me sitting down every five minutes.
But I just took my time and did it all at my own pace. It's not that anyone requires me to do these things; I require them of myself. My mom, little brother and sister got back from an out-of-town trip - I wanted to have a nice family dinner. So we did. Took me awhile, even with their help (and the fact that the grill blew out didn't help) but we got it done.
Last week I started on all my supplements. That could be why I don't feel the best but this is pretty typical for me. It seems like every three or four weeks I have a couple/few bad days. Today I really struggled with my blood sugar and my heart rate. One thing I've learned through this whole thing is to listen to my body. So I rested when I needed to and got stuff done in the inbetween time.
Alright, I'm off to try bed again.
It's 1 in the morning and while I was quietly loading the dishwasher, I reflected on today, which was a quiet one for me and until I started replaying the events in my head, felt unproductive.
But it really wasn't.
I managed to pick up the house, do a load of laundry, do the dishes a couple times, feed the horses, make dinner and dessert, clean my bedroom, deal with my personal finances, write a story for Thursday (complete with graph), and watch the Biggest Loser finale.
All of those things seemed insurmountable at the time. I almost waited to ask my brother to help me pick up the house because my energy was at zero and this incredible ridiculous nausea had me sitting down every five minutes.
But I just took my time and did it all at my own pace. It's not that anyone requires me to do these things; I require them of myself. My mom, little brother and sister got back from an out-of-town trip - I wanted to have a nice family dinner. So we did. Took me awhile, even with their help (and the fact that the grill blew out didn't help) but we got it done.
Last week I started on all my supplements. That could be why I don't feel the best but this is pretty typical for me. It seems like every three or four weeks I have a couple/few bad days. Today I really struggled with my blood sugar and my heart rate. One thing I've learned through this whole thing is to listen to my body. So I rested when I needed to and got stuff done in the inbetween time.
Alright, I'm off to try bed again.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Altitude
The past three weeks have been rough in the Lyme department.
Sleep is still giving me a hard time. I thought it was making a turn for the better (cycling back to normalcy) when two nights in a row I fell asleep quickly and with extreme exhaustion. But now I'm back to where I've been. So I'm trying to figure out the best balance to ensure a good night's sleep.
I hate sounding like I'm whining but my knees and legs have been hurting so bad. Especially my knees. There've been a couple times where I thought I was going to fall because my left one just gave out. Tonight they're especially hurting because I spent my day on a concrete floor. Never a good idea.
My mom and I have been discussing the effect of altitude on Lyme Disease. Her doctor has told her that higher altitude is a friendly environment for the bacteria because of the lower levels of oxygen in the blood. Deductive reasoning would lead one to believe that changing to a lower altitude would cause a reaction in Lyme victims.
A reaction, indeed. Ugh.
A big frustrating thing right now is my brain. It's like - I know I have knowledge in my head but retrieving it sometimes is not possible. And then I just look like an idiot when I start to contribute to the conversation and realize I'm not retrieving the information I need to finish my sentence.
So tonight I am tired and I'm hoping I can sleep. Hope for me! :)
Sleep is still giving me a hard time. I thought it was making a turn for the better (cycling back to normalcy) when two nights in a row I fell asleep quickly and with extreme exhaustion. But now I'm back to where I've been. So I'm trying to figure out the best balance to ensure a good night's sleep.
I hate sounding like I'm whining but my knees and legs have been hurting so bad. Especially my knees. There've been a couple times where I thought I was going to fall because my left one just gave out. Tonight they're especially hurting because I spent my day on a concrete floor. Never a good idea.
My mom and I have been discussing the effect of altitude on Lyme Disease. Her doctor has told her that higher altitude is a friendly environment for the bacteria because of the lower levels of oxygen in the blood. Deductive reasoning would lead one to believe that changing to a lower altitude would cause a reaction in Lyme victims.
A reaction, indeed. Ugh.
A big frustrating thing right now is my brain. It's like - I know I have knowledge in my head but retrieving it sometimes is not possible. And then I just look like an idiot when I start to contribute to the conversation and realize I'm not retrieving the information I need to finish my sentence.
So tonight I am tired and I'm hoping I can sleep. Hope for me! :)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sleep
One of my biggest struggles with Lyme Disease is not sleeping.
My mom's doctor tells her, "If you're not sleeping, you're not healing." For me it's "if you're not sleeping, you're not healing nor are you functioning as a nice, balanced human being," which is why I work so hard at 1) ensuring I get a good night's sleep and 2) well, basically, all there is is 1).
Last week, it was nearly 3 a.m. (though sometimes 4) before I fell asleep. I used that time to do things productive like... blog. And Facebook. And research who I want to breed my German Shepherd to. But you can only do that for so long.
So after a numbness had thoroughly encased my body and mind last weekend from multiple nights in a row of not sleeping and being awakened early (early!!!) by my niece, I claimed a solid 10.5 hours of sleep for myself by taking two over-the-counter sleeping aids and bunking NOT near my niece who favors the 4' o'clock hour. In the morning. I think it was the most delicious 10.5 hours of sleep I'd ever gotten. I woke up the next morning feeling like, well, like a human being. And also thinking that I might never survive infanthood if I ever become a mother.
Since that night, though, we've fallen into the same routine. Me laying awake in bed with my legs pulsating and jumping voluntarily off the bed with muscle spasms, finally falling into a fitful sleep only to be awakened a couple hours later by a fussing little girl.
I've talked about this before. Bedtime is always a routine of strategic proportions. I go through a mental check-list:
* am I tired?
* am I hurting?
* am I hurting enough to need over-the-counter pain relievers?
* am I tired enough to go to sleep on my own?
* so if I don't need pain relievers, am I going to need an over-the-counter sleeping aid?
* if I take the pain relievers, then discover I need the sleeping aid, what then?
Usually I can use my "ninja-like focus" to compartmentalize the pain and figure that sleep is more important.
But last night, I laid on the couch to watch a movie at 10:30 and my eyes were so heavy, I decided that I might actually go to bed at a decent hour.
I laid there for about an-hour-and-a-half and then muttered something like, "This is ridiculous" and hand-felt my way to the bathroom where I took half the sleeping aid dose and went back to bed. Sleep eventually came. And shortly after that, the fussing of a particular little girl.
This will all even out, I tell myself. Everything is cyclical. My pain right now is much less then it has been and pretty soon, it will all shift. I'll be able to sleep; my muscle and joint pain will increase.
Such is life. :)
My mom's doctor tells her, "If you're not sleeping, you're not healing." For me it's "if you're not sleeping, you're not healing nor are you functioning as a nice, balanced human being," which is why I work so hard at 1) ensuring I get a good night's sleep and 2) well, basically, all there is is 1).
Last week, it was nearly 3 a.m. (though sometimes 4) before I fell asleep. I used that time to do things productive like... blog. And Facebook. And research who I want to breed my German Shepherd to. But you can only do that for so long.
So after a numbness had thoroughly encased my body and mind last weekend from multiple nights in a row of not sleeping and being awakened early (early!!!) by my niece, I claimed a solid 10.5 hours of sleep for myself by taking two over-the-counter sleeping aids and bunking NOT near my niece who favors the 4' o'clock hour. In the morning. I think it was the most delicious 10.5 hours of sleep I'd ever gotten. I woke up the next morning feeling like, well, like a human being. And also thinking that I might never survive infanthood if I ever become a mother.
Since that night, though, we've fallen into the same routine. Me laying awake in bed with my legs pulsating and jumping voluntarily off the bed with muscle spasms, finally falling into a fitful sleep only to be awakened a couple hours later by a fussing little girl.
I've talked about this before. Bedtime is always a routine of strategic proportions. I go through a mental check-list:
* am I tired?
* am I hurting?
* am I hurting enough to need over-the-counter pain relievers?
* am I tired enough to go to sleep on my own?
* so if I don't need pain relievers, am I going to need an over-the-counter sleeping aid?
* if I take the pain relievers, then discover I need the sleeping aid, what then?
Usually I can use my "ninja-like focus" to compartmentalize the pain and figure that sleep is more important.
But last night, I laid on the couch to watch a movie at 10:30 and my eyes were so heavy, I decided that I might actually go to bed at a decent hour.
I laid there for about an-hour-and-a-half and then muttered something like, "This is ridiculous" and hand-felt my way to the bathroom where I took half the sleeping aid dose and went back to bed. Sleep eventually came. And shortly after that, the fussing of a particular little girl.
This will all even out, I tell myself. Everything is cyclical. My pain right now is much less then it has been and pretty soon, it will all shift. I'll be able to sleep; my muscle and joint pain will increase.
Such is life. :)
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